Thursday, 4 September 2008

On a personal note...

It seems recently I have lost my "mojo" - for the lack of a better term. Mojo for scrapbooking is part of it but I feel really lost in my life as a whole. Over the years I have neglected to put me first like many mothers do. I feel yucky, tired and have no drive for anything...least of all scrapbooking. I hate this feeling. It may be because I am not sleeping well (no more than 4 hours a night on average) or it may be because of my weight. It may be that I feel like my life has no direction. It may be that sometimes I think I am married to the world's most insensitive clod. It may be because I feel like I don't deserve my husband. One thing I know for sure is...I am overwhelmed. And that feels really strange to type out. I just feel like I have so much to do...so many things I want to accomplish...and so little time to do it in. And since I have no drive or motivation it just becomes a compounding situation. I was going to type a list of all the things I want to accomplish but I am afraid to see it all typed out. That would probably overwhelm me more.

Looking back over the years I do wish that I spent more time taking care of me - physically, mentally and emotionally. Surrounding myself with more people that make me happy and inspire me. I have made many online relationships in the past few years and I cherish each one but I do wish I had put as much energy into making real life relationships too. I miss having "real" friends. The ones that stop in uninvited to have a cup of coffee. The ones that don't care that I haven't showered or that my floor needs mopping (that's the perk of online friends! ;) ) I am so tired of feeling like I need to be "perfect" to be accepted or loved. I've worn myself out and now I am a mess - physically, mentally and emotionally. It feels kind of lonely here. I just don't know quite where I belong right now.

Somehow, someway I need to regroup. I am lost deep within myself and I need to dig down to my core to uncover my happiness again and start enjoying my very blessed life. I have 2 beautiful little girls. A handsome husband who loves me unconditionally - extra pounds and all. A wonderful home and loving parents that would do anything for their "little girl". I really am blessed.

3 comments:

taffytodd said...

Lisa, I'm only a phone call away and I've been there.

love ya, you are a very specia; person to me
Taffy

Weezie said...

Lisa,
Ditto to everything Taffy said!
Wanna get together next week for coffee and scrapping/knitting (well...I don't drink coffee but I can bring my beloved Pepsi with me! LOL)? Paul is working the midnight shift so I could come by either Monday or Tuesday.
Let me know!

((((HUGS))))

Jan/"Jam" :)

Clair said...

Hi, I'm Clair. I was just blog hopping this morning and stumbled on your blog. I felt like I should comment because I am really in the same boat as you right now- realizing that years of putting myself on the bottom of the totem poll has taken it's toll. Not feeling good physically really puts a damper on other areas of life as I think all are connected. This contributes to feeling overwhelmed as I often do. Anyway, please don't be discouraged. The weight did not come on overnight and it will take much time to loose it- BUT won't it feel good just to be going in the right direction?! That's what I'm telling myself. Anyway, I mostly wanted to refer you to this speech at http://www.byub.org/edweek/archive.asp

It is "Body and Soul," the first choice listed under 2007. I just found it on Sunday when a friend guided me to this site when I was at a low. She didn't give me this specific speech but it was the first one I saw and it was perfect. Do something for your body and your spirit is also nurished and vice versa. It's okay (and very good even) to start with small changes. And we have got to ditch our negative thoughts. Those are things I got out of it.

If you want to chat more you can email me at dickson.cg@gmail.com

wishing you the best